i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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