Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
