make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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