is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
