I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you would pick up someone in the library
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just blew my weed a kiss
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
