Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
