did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
