the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome