look no pants
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?