I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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