I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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