And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
