I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Dear god my vagina.
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