I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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