My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
