he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
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