Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
