Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
