My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
