I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
