So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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