Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
