im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
