dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
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I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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