you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
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Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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