Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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