Sponge bath it is.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
