My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The feeling are messing with the penis
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
