Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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