oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
