There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
