Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
