Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
