The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
