She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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