i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
