I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
