I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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