I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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