Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
