i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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