I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
