nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
