My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
