everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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