Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This can only be settled by a dance off.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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