the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
