she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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