im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
this hospital has no fireball
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
