Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
