My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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