Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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