I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
