maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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