Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
