Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
