he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
