i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My ass is underappreciated
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
