I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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