i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
porn star boner night. come get it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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