I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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